Narcissistic abuse is a deeply insidious form of emotional manipulation and control that leaves invisible scars on its victims. While overt narcissists are often easy to spot with their grandiosity and blatant self-importance, covert narcissists operate under the radar, making their abuse more difficult to recognize. Their subtle manipulation tactics, combined with a façade of humility or victimhood, can entrap people in toxic dynamics that erode self-esteem and well-being over time.
This blog explores the covert narcissist, their tactics across various aspects of life, including parenting, and offers practical tools to guide you through your healing journey.
So, who is the Covert Narcissist? – Unlike the overt narcissist who seeks attention and admiration openly, the covert narcissist hides behind a mask of selflessness, vulnerability, or quietness. They might come across as shy, misunderstood, or overly sensitive, but beneath the surface lies a deep-seated need for control, validation, and superiority. Common Traits of covert narcissists are things like passive-aggressiveness, gaslighting by invalidating your experience and subtle manipulation tactics like playing the victim to garner sympathy from others while failing to recognise their real part in the story.
They usually have chronic envy and resentment simmering underneath which can lead to withdrawal, emotional neglect and invalidation of you as a person when you share your, or others, life achievements or “Wins”. Covert narcissists often position themselves as martyrs or “nice people” who are constantly wronged, making it difficult to challenge or call out their behaviour without being perceived as the aggressor. AND they don’t just show up in intimate or personal relationships, they occupy all spaces in our lives.
Like in the Workplace: They may appear helpful and dedicated but undermine colleagues through gossip, subtle sabotage, or playing office politics. They often take credit for others’ work or play the victim to avoid accountability.
In friendships: These individuals often rely on emotional manipulation to keep friends “in line,” using guilt trips, silent treatments, or feigned vulnerability to get what they want.
In our families and how they disrupt family dynamics: In family settings, covert narcissists may pit family members against each other, foster dependency on themself, or create drama to be a rescuer and stay at the centre of attention.
In the role of parent: Perhaps the most damaging is covert narcissism in parenting. Children of narcissistic parents often endure emotional neglect, manipulation, and unrealistic expectations. These parents may use guilt to control their children or place expectations on the children to cater to their emotional needs (parentification). It also appears as overly critical, or they will undermine their child’s self-confidence subtly and often shift blame onto their children when things go wrong. This leaves a lifelong imprint and is probably the most insidious impact this approach to life can have. And that’s what it is, a well-established approach to getting their needs met, someone somewhere behaved in a way that they developed this way of being to navigate the world and its challenges.
Healing from narcissistic abuse is challenging but absolutely 100% possible. The journey involves reconnecting with yourself, reclaiming your boundaries, and building healthier patterns.
Here’s 8 tips and tools to help guide your healing journey.
1. Educate Yourself: Knowledge is power. Understanding narcissistic abuse helps you recognize manipulation and validate your experiences.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say “no” without guilt. Boundaries are essential for protecting your mental and emotional health.
3. Prioritize Self-Compassion: You may have been conditioned to put others first. Practice self-kindness and remind yourself that your needs matter.
4. Seek Professional Support: Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help process complex emotions and provide personalized coping strategies.
5. Build a Support System: Connect with people who understand your experience. Support groups, both online and in-person, can offer comfort and validation.
6. Engage in Grounding Practices: Mindfulness, meditation, and journaling can help you stay present and regulate overwhelming emotions.
7. Reclaim Your Identity: Rediscover hobbies, interests, and passions that you may have neglected during the abusive relationship.
8. Limit or End Contact When Possible: If you must interact with a narcissist (e.g., co-parenting situations), use strategies like “grey rocking”—becoming emotionally unresponsive to their provocations.
Healing from the subtle yet profound impact of a covert narcissist takes time, patience, and self-compassion. There will be ups and downs, but every step you take toward understanding, setting boundaries, and prioritizing yourself is a victory.
You deserve relationships rooted in respect, empathy, and kindness—especially the relationship you have with yourself. During this process we experience the great highs of oxytocin (known as the love or cuddle hormone) and the crashing explosions of cortisol (stress hormone) which keeps us bonded to this person, the power in healing is forgiving yourself and being kind to YOU.