Understanding Trauma and Burnout Through the Lens of Self-Compassion.
When faced with life’s challenges, we often hear advice like, “Just be nice,” or, “Kill them with kindness.” Niceness is prized in our society, and for good reason—it promotes harmony, reduces conflict, and helps us navigate social dynamics. But when we delve deeper into the complexities of human emotions, particularly through the lens of trauma, we begin to see that being nice isn’t always enough. What we need instead is compassion—and not just for others, but more importantly for ourselves.
Being nice is about maintaining social politeness and avoiding discomfort. It often means prioritising others’ feelings at the expense of our own, smoothing things over, and keeping the peace. Niceness, however, can become a performance—a mask we wear to fit in, to be liked, or to avoid conflict.
Compassion, on the other hand, requires a deeper emotional engagement. It involves recognising suffering, whether in ourselves or others, and responding with empathy and understanding. Unlike niceness, compassion isn’t about suppressing our own needs to please others; it’s about showing up authentically, with a willingness to be vulnerable, real and to speak our truth.
For those who have experienced trauma, being nice can become a survival strategy. As children, many trauma survivors learn to prioritise others’ needs to stay safe or avoid further harm. This people-pleasing behaviour may persist into adulthood, where it can become deeply ingrained and unconscious, causing untold subconscious stress.
While niceness might have once been necessary for survival, continuing to operate from this place can lead to what is referred to as “burnout”, a term I do not use or resonate with. Constantly putting others first without acknowledging or addressing our own pain creates a cycle of emotional exhaustion. Over time, this can erode our sense of self-worth and leave us feeling disconnected from our own needs and desires rising from a lack of self-compassion.
Imagine a world where we rename this as lack of self-compassion.
Saying ‘I’m burnt out,” means we are typically expressing a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged stress or overwork. Where saying “I’ve forgotten about my needs” offers us a roadmap to recovery, usually connected to kindness and forgiveness of self, two of the key elements to recovery
Reframing this as “I’m taking time out to rediscover me” loses the harshness for being “Burnt out” and brings with it a feeling of possibility and hope. Self-compassion, as described by psychologist Kristin Neff, involves treating ourselves with the same kindness, care, and understanding we would offer a dear friend. For trauma survivors, cultivating self-compassion can be a transformative practice. It means breaking free from the belief that our worth is tied to how well we please others and learning to care for ourselves without guilt or shame
When we practice self-compassion, we:
- Acknowledge our own pain instead of dismissing it.
- Set healthy boundaries without feeling selfish.
- Allow ourselves to rest and recharge without guilt.
- Recognise that suffering is a shared human experience rather than a personal failure.
These practices are essential for preventing “burnout”. Without self-compassion, even the kindest, most well-intentioned people can find themselves depleted, resentful, and disconnected from their own well-being.
Interestingly, cultivating self-compassion doesn’t just benefit us individually; it also improves our relationships. When we stop performing niceness and start embracing compassion, we become more authentic. We can show up for others without losing ourselves in the process.
Compassionate people are often perceived as kinder and more trustworthy than those who are merely nice. This is because their kindness stems from genuine care rather than a desire to be liked or avoid conflict. Compassionate relationships allow space for honesty, vulnerability, and mutual support—qualities that are especially important when navigating the complexities of trauma and healing.
If you find yourself constantly exhausted by the demands of being nice, it might be time to ask: What would it look like to choose compassion instead? What if you offered yourself the same empathy and kindness you extend to others?
Choosing compassion over niceness isn’t always easy. It requires unlearning old patterns and embracing discomfort. But in the long run, it’s a far more sustainable and healing path—one that leads to genuine connection, both with ourselves and others.
In a world that often rewards niceness over authenticity, choosing compassion is a radical act of self-care. It’s a way to honour our humanity, acknowledge our pain, and take the first steps toward healing. And for those grappling with trauma and burnout, it might just be the key to finding lasting well-being.
So, the next time you feel the pull to be nice, pause and ask yourself: Am I being nice to keep the peace, or can I be compassionate and true to myself instead? The answer might just change everything for you.